Book Review: Trapped in the Mirror

3.0 out of 5 starExcellent for Problem Identification, but Not a Recovery Manual, December 30, 2011

Excellent for Problem Identification... but Not a Recovery Manual

Rodger Garrett "SighKoBlahGrr" (Loma Linda, CA USA) - See all my reviews
(REAL NAME)

This review is from: Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in their Struggle for Self by Elan Golomb at http://www.amazon.com/Trapped-Mirror-Children-Narcissists-Struggle/dp/0688140718/ref=cm_cr_pr_product_top

Trapped... is a work of its time. Which is to say, the era of discovery rather than the later era of what to do about it. It is also a view of the problem as much from within, as from outside of, the paradigm. In that regard, it reads much like the flood of codependency books from the decade that preceded it: a lot of identification and recognition, but only limited experimentation with, and sense of efficacy about, the techniques required to resolve the various issues and move outside of what author Tara Brach calls "the trance."

I scanned the one-, two- and three-star commentaries on the book's amazon.com page and found most to represent the all-or-nothing thinking that's at the root of this and most other psychological problems. If the book is not all good, it's all bad. Which is far from the case. Much as Mellody Beattie's early work on codependency edifies the problem, Golomb's work here does a truly excellent job of clarifying the dynamics of the sadomasochistic, dominance-and-submission, authoritarian-leader-and-good-little-soldier nature of relationships with self-obsessed, self-righteous, self-involved parents.

But Beattie had come from addiction counseling and saw codependency as an addiction (it is), and suggested the widely used 12 Step approach. Golomb comes from neo-Freudian psychodynamicism, a fine method if one has the time and money, but one that will require a lot of both... and one that does not lend itself to any sort of one-size-fits-all approach, much less bibliotherapy, because the psychodynamic method is so case-specific.

Golomb's work recalls Jules Henry's stunning Pathways to Madness and Ronald Laing & Aaron Esterson's equally remarkable Sanity, Madness and the Family, as well as Donald Jackson's The Etiology of Schizophrenia; all from a much earlier time, and all much more clinical. Golomb's approach is a far more reader-friendly (and a lot less upsetting).

It is clear that certain, dogmatically rule-bound, religious traditions tend to produce miniature cults of personality like those described by authors Robert J. Lifton, Margaret Thaler Singer, Edgar Schein, Mark Galanter and Kathleen Taylor. Dad and/or Ma are the guru(s); the kids (and often one of the parents) are the supplicant -- and very much trapped -- door mats and victims.

Having worked with many adult children of such families, it is clear to me that the organizational dynamics of cults described by those authors are almost always present to some degree in such families of origin. (Moreover, many cult members were set up to tolerate such cult dynamics by their experiences with narcissistic parents.)

I have recommended Trapped... to a number of people who found it edifying at their early (usually "contemplation/consideration" after moving up from "denial/pre-contemplation") stage of recovery. In all cases, it assisted their advance to the "identification/acceptance" stage, but did little or nothing to move them on to "commitment/action." How could it?

Most adult children of narcissistic parents will find help in one of the more sophisticated and empirical-research-informed 12 Step programs: Adult Children of Alcoholics / Dysfunctional Families (ACA), which has small AA-like groups throughout North America and Northern Europe.

ACA has a recently published book of its own which describes the dynamics in less vivid detail than Golomb's book, but goes on to provide a 12-Step-cum-cognitive-behavioral-therapy approach to recovery. I've seen that method produce results for dozens who dedicated themselves to working through those steps, though many with more severe personality disorders of their own typically require professional help.

Many ACA members display mild to moderate symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder including being hypervigilant for narcissistic abuse and primed to hair-trigger fight, flight, freak or freeze responses. I have seen several benefit from the cutting edge treatments like dialectical behavior therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, mindfulness-based cognitive therapy and self-talk identification, questioning and revision.

Most counselors and therapists understand that one has to "meet the patient where the patient is." If the patient is still in denial/pre-contemplation, he's probably not sitting in your office unless he got a "nudge from the judge." But if the patient has begun to wonder why he or she is so anxious, depressed, codependent and/or angry towards a critically judgmental, ego-battering, self-obsessed parent, Trapped... looks to me like it can be counted upon to open the door to willingness a bit wider. And at $5.00 a copy, it's pretty cost effective.

My response to one of eight emails in response to this post in 16 hours (half of which were overnight):

"I asked myself in 1992 if my inheritance was worth putting up with the ma from hell. It wasn't. I am happy to this day that my cousin wound up with it all. And that neither I nor my adoptive ma had to put up with our codependent reactivity to each other.

"There are moments here and there when my cult-urally contrived mind thinks that I was "selfish" and that I 'should' have done otherwise. Like I said, there are moments...

"Some people, much as Golomb describes at the end of her book, can find a way to be the good, little, God-fearing, commandments-obeying, orthodox Jewish children of an abusive parent until the parent expires. But I am a 'football player' about stuff like this: If I bring my team on to the field of play and they don't, we can't really have a game."

© 2011 by Rodger Garrett; all rights reserved. Links are fine. Please contact not_moses@fastmail.fm with comments or questions. Thank you